Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the NFLPA, Dr. Midgetlove (played by Verne Troyer, natch), who is confined to a wheelchair, discusses with an assortment of evil villains the Collective Bargaining Agreement for the NFL.

Dr. Midgetlove: Gentlemen, has the plane been launched with The Bomb?

Dark Helmet: You mean The Bomb that will disseminate widespread panic upon the NFL landscape as we know it?

Dr. Midgetlove: Yes, yes, THAT Bomb, the one that will lead to an uncapped salary year for NFL players and teams, the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Dark Helmet: Yes, the plan has been moving quite nicely. We are about to proceed from Operation Suck the Life out of NFL to Operation Blow the Fairness in the League out of the Water.

Michael Scott: That’s what she said.

Dr. Midgetlove: Mr. Worrell, kill that son of a bitch.

I still think Ernest Saves Christmas is a classic.

Ernest P. Worrell: Welp, I sure will kill and torture him. YouknowwhatImean, Verne?

Dr. Midgetlove: Shut up and do the work!

George C. Scott: Gentlemen! No fighting in the war room!

Dr. Midgetlove: Quiet, you!

Dark Helmet: Sir, with this Bomb, the NFL will have an uncapped year, transforming the entire league from the ultra-competitive, parity-driven sports league, to…

Dr. Midgetlove: What?! What will it transform the league into, evil Dark Lord of the Helmet?

Dark Helmet: The most despicable, unfair institution on the earth.

Dr. Midgetlove: Fox News?

Dark Helmet: Major League Baseball.

(The entire room gasps.)

Apparently this guy is still alive. I saw him on the Daily Show last week.

Vizzini (that one bald, evil guy from The Princess Bride): Inconceivable! The most beloved sports institution in America will never degrade into a league that is divided between the haves and have-nots!

Dark Helmet: I don’t think it could ever be THAT bad, but an uncapped year could mean that the Cowboys could become the Yankees of the NFL, spending whatever they want on whoever they want.

Dr. Midgetlove: The NFL won’t allow such an extreme. The eight teams who made the divisional round of the playoffs have added restrictions for signing free agents. Those teams can only participate in free agency if they lose a player, AND they will have ANOTHER transition tag to put on a player of their choice in addition to the franchise tag. The Cowboys are one of those teams. They won’t become the Yankees.

Dark Helmet: But what about teams like the Redskins? Dan Snyder could start throwing money at free agents like businessmen do to strippers at a strip club. And what about other owners like the notorious Mike Brown of the Bungles? His ass hole is tighter than security at Fort Knox.

Dr. Midgetlove: This is not the fault of the NFLPA if owners can’t outspend other owners. Players deserve all the money that they can get! Mr. Helmet, when will this Bomb explode?

Whatever happened to Rick Moranis? Apparently he's doing the cartoon version of Strange Brew in Canada. Nice.

Dark Helmet: It’s set to explode on March 5, 2010.

Dr. Midgetlove: Is there any way for this Bomb to be deterred?

Dark Helmet: Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith [the actual leader of the NFLPA] still have time to discuss before it’ll explode. They’ve had about a year to reach an agreement. The pace of their negotiations is akin to the movement of glaciers.

Dr. Midgetlove: Excellent! This will almost certainly happen then!

Dark Helmet: We can only hope. Players like Eli Manning whose contract is up this year could receive unheard-of money!

Dr. Midgetlove: This will be the first stop in the process of making the NFL the MLB!  And not only that, but there is a chance that there will be NO FOOTBALL IN 2011!!!!

(The entire room laughs demonically).

(Fast forward to March 5, 2010)

Dark Helmet: The Bomb is about to drop, sir!

(Dr. Midgetlove slowly gets out of his wheelchair)

Dr. Midgetlove: Mein Führer! I can walk!

Bomb explodes; the NFL may never be the same.

Follow David Jacob on Twitter @HoldenCarraway