When I married my wife, I did not realize she was a fifth-degree Jedi Master. Seriously. I think Yoda and the Good Anakin Skywalker trained her simultaneously. I had the TV remote and she looks at me and goes, “You will give me the remote.” (“I will give you the remote”) So I’m just sitting there and she’s flipping through these channels and we’re watching three ridiculously awful shows at about the same time, one of which was a beauty pageant for girls AS YOUNG AS THREE YEARS OLD. It was appalling. I cannot describe the level of wrongness within the very idea of not just that beauty pageant, but ANY beauty pageant.

And then I thought about NFL Mock Drafts. How are beauty pageants and mock drafts similar?

Let me give you an analogy: NFL Mock Drafts are to NFL Draft Prospects as Beauty Pageants are to Actual Beauty. In other words, NFL Mock Drafts are essentially an exercise in futility, just as those beauty pageants for young girls mean absolutely nothing except for a chance for pedophiles to drool.

I mean, sure, mock drafts are useful in giving you an idea of who may draft whom and what needs a team has. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY MOCK DRAFTS IT RENDERS THEM NEARLY POINTLESS. Any NFL website worth its football credentials will have its mock draft sometime after the Super Bowl. Which is whatever. I don’t mind sports columnists offering hope to the bottom of the barrel teams.

Yet they just don’t seem to stop once the flood gates open.  There’s a mock draft after the NFL combine.  And then one after free agency has settled down.

And then we get into just plain silliness.

Take a look at ESPN’s Todd McShay and Mel Kiper, Jr. (Boy Wonder vs. Helmet Head, OR, Worst Idea for a Gay Porno Ever). At about 3 and a half weeks before the draft, they’ll have a “3 Weeks Until the Draft” draft. Then it’ll be “Two Weeks until the Draft” draft. Then within seven days, it’s about once every 48 hours. And then within 72 hours, they might as well be doing mock drafts every 32 minutes. And then Kiper, when ESPN forces us to see his ugly mug on Sportscenter, he gets angry on the show for some really random reasons whenever he has to discuss his random, speculative Mock Draft picks. Especially if someone has (gasp!) a different, logical opinion. Kiper looks down with a scowl and spits his words out about this guy is a moron for having an opinion (has this guy ever touched a female other than a relative or someone with a 1-800 number?).

And all these Mock Drafts are inevitably wrong! They’re lucky if they get 5 out of the 32 draft picks right! And everyone is judging the potential draft picks like they’re a piece of meat (hence the beauty pageant analogy).  And after the draft is done, everyone and their brother has to give each team a “grade.”  Grading a team’s picks immediately after the draft is like grading your marriage after the honeymoon.

So now, what do NFL Draft Picks have to do with Incredibly Hot Women? Lots! (Hey, that’s where I got my title. Nice.) The evaluation of NFL talent is a highly subjective matter, but most people can generally agree on at least the top talent in the pool, just maybe not the order… just like Incredibly Hot Women. And my goal in this blog is to match the top potential NFL Draft Picks to the incredibly hot women. I might try and make a connection between the two picks, I might not. I might throw in the “first round talent,” or I might throw in some random dude who might not get picked. I don’t even know if I can make it up to 32 players. I might get tired of writing this and just do a top ten. Who knows. There will be no pretense of order here. It is all arbitrary (JUST LIKE ALL MOCK DRAFTS (see, I put the last phrase in parentheses, but then I put it in caps, which negates the whole “quiet” nature of the expression, but, whatever. It’s all capricious (LIKE THE MOCK DRAFTS))).  But I will guaratnee you that all of these women are “first round talent.”

So now here are my Top NFL Draft Picks in a Half-Assed Order that may be Related to Talent but not Really and They’re Being Compared to the Random Hot Women that This Guy Likes. *

#1: Tim Tebow:
My life would be complete if the Oakland Raiders draft Tim Tebow. I mean, really. Complete. Like, the moment that Goodell calls Tebow’s name for the Raiders, I could just jump off the nearest bridge and have no regrets. Okay, maybe not so much, but can you imagine how awesome it would be if Tebow were a Raider? If I were Tebow on my first day of Raiders camp, I would dress in some shining-white paladin armor and carry a jewel-encrusted-and-Pope-blessed sword. I would walk onto the field and the coaches would be like, “Um, where are your pads? Here’s a football.” And I would be like, “No, I cannot accept this football just yet. I have some business to take care of. Where is the one whom you call ‘Al Davis?’” And they’d point in the direction of his lair, and I’d find the cave that he was hiding in. And when I bust through those jagged gates, it would be all swirling wind and mighty gusts flying all about, and the sea monster that is Al Davis would come out and he’d say some stupid crap about being a true Raider or whatnot, and I’d say, “Hey, you get your damn hands off of that team” (should I say “damn”? Yes, Tim, you should say “damn”). And there’d be this epic fight and, because I’m Tim Tebow and I’m pure good and Al Davis is evil incarnate, I’d win.

That would be cool.

But then Tebow would somehow be buried behind JaMarcus Russell on the depth chart because, really, Tebow, AS EVERYONE IN THE PLANET WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT FOOTBALL THINKS THIS FOR SOME REASON, he couldn’t possibly be a good QB in the NFL. Honestly, I think they’re selling him short. But what the hell do I know? These are the same people who got wet in the pants talking about Ryan Leaf.

But, really, I do know that if Tebow had watched maybe five minutes of Sportscenter in 2009, he would’ve heard something about how he needs to change his delivery (too low and too slow) if he wanted to be a high NFL draft pick. I mean, just five minutes, because Sportscenter is great at making one point and then beating the ever-living poop out of it for six months straight. So what does Tebow do? He waits until, oh, about NOW to work on his delivery. Really? Now? Like, are you some teenage college student hoping to cram for a final exam? Really? I mean, there are only just millions of dollars of difference between a top ten pick and a second round pick Whatever. What do I know?

Hot Woman Comparison: I thought long and hard about this (that’s what she said (okay, I get one of these per blog; I promise it won’t happen again)). And I chose Megan Fox. Because no other person in the draft will ever be talked about as much as Tim Tebow. His throwing motion. Goody-two-shoes background. Etc. Megan Fox is one of the most talked about women today… ONLY for males between 12-35+. My wife, pregnant and crazy as she may be, actually had to ask me during the Super Bowl commercial who that woman was in the bathtub with the cell phone (it’s Megan Fox, Kate! Megan Fox!). I did one of those slow, head-turning, sideways-slant looks at my wife with my mouth slightly open (like in Family Guy when Stewie does to Brian when Brian accidentally called Ken Tucker’s boy “Upside Down Face”). I was like, “Say whaaaaat?” (high pitched voice too) Megan Fox could be this generation’s Marilyn Monroe, but she has only appeared in movies that young boys and people with IQs of congressmen enjoy. Crazy as my wife may be, she’s #1: not a young boy, and, most importantly, #2: a very intelligent person. So unless Megan Fox appears in some truly good movie with an intelligent storyline, I don’t see men AND women truly realizing Megan Fox’s utter and complete hotness. My point is, boys talk about Megan Fox like women talk about shoes. And that’s kind of what analysts do with Tebow. Anyway, I like Megan Fox, just in case you were wondering.

Wait, Transformers was a movie? I just thought it was extended shots of Megan Fox running in slow motion. I'd still pay 10 bucks to see that.

#2: Ndamukong Suh
I will admit I am a mediocre college football fan. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m probably a 6.5 to 7.2. I enjoy college football, I try to catch a college football game every weekend, but I’m not a FAN per se. So when the NFL season was winding down, and people started talking about draft picks, everyone started talking about Suh, and I was like, “Huh?” (Groan all you want, but you know that was clever (okay, maybe not. Whatever)). Apparently this guy’s a force and he’s unstoppable. The average football fan now knows his name. Super Serious Fans have known about this guy since he reached puberty. And he’s probably going to go within the top three picks. Probably Detroit or St. Louis. He’ll make millions of dollars, and years from now he’ll be doing Jenny Craig commercials. Nice.

Hot Woman Comparison: Keeley Hazell. Haven’t you heard of Keeley Hazell? Ah ha! I know something you NFL geeks don’t! Keeley is from England and she’s incredibly hot. Impossibly hot. And she’s trying to become an actress. She just moved to L.A. She did an independent film where she played Venus and she spoke Latin, which is about a thousand times hotter for me because I teach high school Latin (and English, which makes me that much cooler (hey man, don’t knock it until you try it (te futueo))). Oh, and the connection is that Keeley isn’t as known in ‘Merica as she is in ‘Ngland. But she’s still a force to be reckoned with, like Suh (because I didn’t know much about him and I do now, and some other junk that’s similar, or whatever, or, just, I don’t care).

Keeley Hazell = not bad

Bonus Meaningless Coverage: Battle of hotness factor: Keeley vs. Megan. I’d say Keeley wins. Megan has the Femme Fatale look about her, the “I can screw the hell out of you and then rip your genitals and heart out but you’d still like it because I’m Megan Fox” factor. And Keeley has the sweet, good natured look. And she has nice tracts of land. That’s a plus.

#3: Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell, the football player, starred at Maryland and is considered the best offensive tackle in the draft. Bruce Campbell, the actor, starred in such cult classics as Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness. Army of Darkness is one of the coolest movies of all time (I’m ashamed to say I have yet to see the others). I watched it when I was a teenage boy, and I was very disappointed when Bruce Campbell’s character takes a buxom woman in his arms and says, “Gimme some sugar, baby,” but they actually don’t SHOW anything… you know, “cool.” I am not a hundred percent sure on this, but I think the woman he sweeps into his arms is Embeth Davidtz. First off, that’s a hell of a name. Second, she’s hot. That’s all I need.

Who names their child "Embeth"? Apparently a very hot couple.

#4: Gerald McCoy
Originally, draft pundits were all like, “Suh, suh, suh.” (#2 guy here). But then all of a sudden people were like, “But McCoy could be like truly awesome too.” This is why I hate Mock Drafts. Did McCoy really come out of nowhere? Do all of those pundits who follow college football just willfully ignore this guy or what? I don’t know, I don’t get it, and I don’t care to get it. All I know is that the real McCoy is Scarlett Johansson (man, I must apologize for all of these “groaners”).

I've got a case of "Scarlett" fever. Yowser!

#5: Dez Bryant

One of the top wide receivers in the draft, he was suspended last season for “inappropriate dealings with Deon Sanders.” This to me screams Bar Rafaeli, because she should be suspended for “inappropriate dealings” with Leonardo DiCraprio. Leo is actually a decent actor, but I never got over the Titanic fiasco and all that hype. I don’t think he deserves all the hot women he has had in his life. And Blood Diamond wasn’t that good of a movie and people liked it. Whatever. Bar is my Star (ahhhhhh!).

Bar Bar Bar Bar

#6: Eric Berry
Considered the best safety in the draft, this guy can not only intercept the football, but he can also gain a ton of yards after the interception. I’m going to compare him to Katie Featherston, who starred in Paranormal Activity, which scared the crap out of millions of people, as will Berry to opposing quarterbacks.

Katie is not someone to be afraid of.

#7: Russell Okung
Draftniks consider him the best player at left tackle, who protects the quarterback’s blind side. In honor of that awesome movie about football about that guy who plays for the Ravens now and was homeless and was taken in by a nice southern family, I will compare Okung to Minka Kelly.
Wait, that’s Friday Night Lights? Oh yeah, I still haven’t seen The Blind Side yet, nor have I seen FNL, but, whatever.

You say Minka, I say hot.

#8: Dan LeFevour
Dan LeFevour is not one of the TOP top QBs, but his name reminds me of Vince Vaughn’s character Pete La Fleur from Dodgeball. I like that movie. And Christine Taylor did a lesbian kiss in that movie… WHICH IS NOT HOT AT ALL (the wife just stepped into the room [looks behind shoulder; she's gone]… okay, it was pretty hot).

Christine, Christine, Christine! (who played Marsha, Marsha, Marsha Brady, if you didn't know)

#9: Jimmy Clausen
Clausen looks like he could star as the main villain in the Nickelodian version of a James Bond movie. He’s got that stupid, scrunched-up face look. And he looks like he could do a great evil laugh. In fact, I could see him being a “great” action doll. He’d be one of those dolls that you’d set on fire and let it melt and it would be all gruesome.  This might improve his appearance. I have nothing against Clausen, except for the fact I don’t like him, and I was happy he was sucker-punched by a Notre Dame fan in a bar. But, really, I have nothing against him. Nor do I have anything against British model Lucy Pinder. She’s hot.

Lucy's outfit is probably only mildly attractive to comic book geeks.

#10: Sam Bradford
Supposedly in the running for the number one pick of the draft, along with Scrunch-Face Boy, Suh, and McCoy. Bradford rhymes with radford, which is a made-up word. What is not made up is the hotness of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Both Bradford and Hewitt have the All-Americanness about them. And Hewitt is hot, and she can talk to ghosts, which might come in more handy than you think.

'ello Love. It's funny how everyone knows the show Ghost Whisperer but no one has seen it.

#11: Mardy Gilyard
University of Cincinnati product Gilyard has gone from living out of his car to one of the top receivers in the draft. He’s probably a high second-round pick, even though he’ll probably develop into one of the best receivers in the league in a few years. He’s one of the feel-good stories of the draft. Do you know who makes me feel good? SI model Marisa Miller.

Marisa, didn't you know that necklaces are out of fashion? Like, RIGHT NOW. Oh yeah, it's just a picture. She can't hear me.

#12: Golden Tate

Golden Tate: The greatest non-porn name of all time. Really, “Golden Tate.” Wow. And he went to Notre Dame, which has a Golden Dome. Golden Tate and the Golden Dome. With Todd McShay and Helmet Man. Who would NOT pay to see that movie? (lots, probably). Tate was also Scrunched-Face Boy’s top receiver. One of my top women has to be Erin Andrews, who has the classic blonde look about her, and she knows a lot about sports, which is pretty hot.

Hey Erin! I'm not a stalker! Come talk to me!

#13: Jermaine Gresham
He’s considered one of the greatest tight ends in the draft. Vida Guerra might not qualify as a “tight end,” but, well, let’s just say that’s whom I thought of when I wrote “tight end,” if you know what I mean.

Sir Mix-a-lot, meet your muse, Vida.

#14: Zack Asack
I went to the CBS sports website to find a random guy in the bottom, BOTTOM part of the draft prospects, and I found this guy, who started out as a QB, but was suspended for academic reasons (he went to Duke, which meant he would’ve been an academic All Star at an SEC school), and then he eventually switched to strong safety in his senior year. CBS has him listed in the 2,500 range of the draft prospects. Yes, there are over 2,500 draft prospects out there. I guess. Or CBS is just really bored. The chances of him being drafted are fairly astronomical. First off, he went to Duke, which you might as well say you were a back-up on a powder puff team. Second, he switched positions for his senior year, and it was at Duke. Third, well, Duke sucks.
You know who doesn’t suck? (Okay, write your own dirty joke here) Alyssa Milano, who appeared in a B movie called Embrace of the Vampire, which does involve some sucking, so I guess I lied, and there is a lesbian scene in that movie, and I saw it when I was like 15 (pst, don’t tell my mom I saw that when I was 15; she doesn’t know), and that was awesome.

I'll be your boss, Alyssa (she has NEVER heard that before, I'm sure).

#15: Joe Haden
According to CBS.com, Haden is the best cornerback, and he is the “complete package.” C’mon now, CBS, you’re making these comparisons too easy. My complete package? British model Kelly Brook, who is exactly the same age as me, and that for some reason made me think we could’ve been an item. Sigh. I love my wife!

Simple, yet sexy. Good job, Kelly Brook (for, you know, just being there)

#16: Bryan Bulaga
This is how www.nfl.fanhouse.com starts their analysis of Bulaga, who may go to Seahawks for the sixth pick: “If this is how the draft shakes out, and it certainly appears to be how a lot of people believe it will, Brandon Marshall seems more and more attractive in Seattle teal.” This tells me nothing about Bulaga, except he has a funky last name. But you know who probably looks good in teal? Another British bombshell, Gemma Atkinson!

Hey, Gemma, there's a pool in the background. I've been working out, ya know. Just FYI

INTERMISSION: Sorry folks, I need a break from talking about hot women.  I mean, it’s a tough task, compiling hot woman after hot woman.  Here’s some trivia for you: You know that Kia commercial with all those stuffed animals doing cool things like destroying that bowling pin and riding on a mechanical bull?  That song they’re playing is “How Do You Like Me Now” by The Heavy.  Here’s their video, which has some nice looking women in it.  Enjoy.

#17: Taylor Mays
Taylor Mays, who was a great safety for USC, his name sounds like “tailor made,” and a woman tailor made for men has to be Ashley Greene, who stars in Twilight, and is way hotter than Kristen Stewart and a much better actress (please don’t judge me on the movies I am forced to see), which is like saying the Pittsburgh Pirates are a better baseball team than the little league champions.

Nice face shot Ashley. You're forgiven for being in Twilight.

#18: C.J. Spiller
One of the fastest running backs in the draft, this Clemson product can smoke a lot of other sprinters, just like Rosie Jones (another British model, but they all seem so hot, and those accents are just damn sexy) can smoke much of her competition too.

I wish all pools looked this Rosie.

#19: Mike Iupati
His name sounds like something you do in the bathroom. This offensive guard will easily let his guard down for Jessica Alba, because, well, it’s Jessica Alba.

Jessica Alba, um, schwing?

#20: Leigh Tiffin
Considered the best kicker in the draft, he is projected to go in the sixth round. Kickers aren’t important until the game is on the line. And when your heart is on the line, you’d bet that Alicia Keys will win it (what the hell does that even mean?).

I know Beyonce is hot too, but I was really happy when I found out that Alicia was singing the duet with Jay-z on "New York State of Mind."

#21: Clint Gresham
The number one long snapper in the draft, CBS sportsline doesn’t even project him to be chosen by a team. Ah, but I’m sure many boys who watch Family Guy have chosen to obsess over the actress who is the voice behind Meg Griffin: Mila Kunis.

Meg Griffin vs. Mila Kunis? No contest

#22: Paul Moneaux
Mr. Moneaux is considered the 13th best long snapper in the draft, and if the best long snapper probably won’t even be chosen, what chance does this guy have? About as much chance as someone has in dating Emmanuelle Chriqui and pronouncing her name correctly.

Emmanuelle, I didn't even know who you were before I wrote this blog. And now my life is better.

#23: Colt McCoy
During a game last year, TV cameras showed pictures of his girlfriend who caused a great stir in the internet. Do you know who else has caused a great stir in England? Cheryl Cole.

Yes, you may interview me Ms. Cole. I won't bite.

#24: Sean Weatherspoon
I had no idea who this guy was (outside linebacker from Missouri), but his name reminds me of the show Silver Spoons, which had the father riding around a train in his own house. Remember that? And you know who’d I’d like to ride on a train with? Olivia Munn. She knows more about electronics and games than any other woman on the planet. Oh yeah.

The force is with Olivia

#25: Jerry Hughes
According to CBS online, “Scouts can’t seem to get enough of… defensive end Jerry Hughes.” I can’t get enough of pictures of Jessica Biel, who, by the way, will be starring in the screen version of The A-Team (which, by the way, supposedly won’t have any comedy in it, which is like saying Transformers won’t have any robots in it (even though that wouldn’t be a bad thing since they’re not the real star of the movie anyway)). How cool is that?

Jessica, stop working so hard, gosh.

#26: Rolando McClain
In addition to having another potentially great porn star name, CBS says that “McClain’s quiet demeanor in combine interviews was curious to some, but teammates say he is more a man of action than words.” What the hell do you want from this guy at the combine? Is the combine like the WWE or MMA? Did you want McClain to rip off his shirt, flex his muscles, and say, “I’m gonna roll over all of these suckas in the NFL”? Gee, I’d think I’d like to see Halle Berry play the role of McClain in the TV movie inside my mind. Hold on [closes eyes for an unnecessarily long minute], I think Ms. Berry just won another Oscar.

Halle! I surrender!

#27: Earl Thomas
If Rolando is starring in porn, Earl has a name to be in any commercial that airs between 6:30 and 7:00 during the evening news. I guess my demographic (I’m 30) doesn’t watch the evening news, but I am tired of watching #1: metamucil commercials, #2: bone density commercials, #3: commercials about medicine in general, #4: commercials about medicines with side effects that sound about a thousand times worse than what they are curing (please contact your doctor if you experience headaches, back aches, vomiting, diarrhea, SUICIDAL thoughts, homicidal thoughts, thoughts about joining Al Quaida, thoughts about joining Al Bundy in acting class, thoughts about joining Ted Bundy in jail (I am not kidding about the suicidal thoughts… Isn’t it kind of, sort of bad that a medicine can get you to think about suicide? This is what society has come to.)). Anyway, the person who will probably age well is Brooke Burke. She’ almost 40, has kids, and she’s incredibly hot still.

Brooke is hosting dancing with the stars, and Chad Ochocinco is on that show. See, this is all about sports here.

#28: Jason Pierre-Paul
One of the top defensive ends in the draft, CBS sports says, ” Pierre-Paul is a well-traveled work in progress, and the jury is out as to whether he can become something special when he settles into a full-time job in the NFL.” The jury is not out on Kate Beckinsale, who is another British babe, and has starred in the awesomely bad movie Van Helsing, when she wore skin-tight outfits. I kind of like those kinds of outfits.

Kate, I approve of your beauty.

#29: Maurkice Pouncey
In addition to having the coolest, random collection of letters for a first name, and a last name that sounds like it should belong to a guy in dark sun glasses and a trench coat, Pouncey is the top rated center in the draft. And Monica Bellucci is the top-rated Italian-sounding name in my draft of women in my mind.

Monica, don't sneeze! (Wait a second) I mean, sneeze really hard!

#30: Clay Harbor
According to CBS sports, he is the highest rated fullback, yet according to www.walterfootball.com, he’s not even listed in the top nine. Of course, I don’t know how much I should trust a website that uses “walter” as part of its name. I mean, I guess I’ll go with CBS. Of course, CBS had this classic line in its description of Harbor: “NFL scouts know how to beat the bushes for pro prospects.” I guess it’s not fair to them because they don’t EXPECT someone like me to take that totally out of context and use it in a blog where any sexual innuendo goes. One of my top ladies, however, who has a “full back” is Penelope Cruz. And she’s Spanish. I think the British women might be over-represented on this list, so I think I better add some “caliente” to this page.

I'd be smiling too. I don't know why, but I would. Thanks, Penelope.

#31: Jeff Owens
He is a defensive tackle projected to go in the fourth round, and he almost tied the NFL combine bench press record with 44 reps for 225 pounds. That’s some heavy lifting. All that heavy lifting, however, won’t do much to impress Jennifer Connelly, who’s one smart, sexy girl (she went to Yale).

I think just one of Jennifer is enough, but... wait, what was I going to say?

#32: Jacoby Ford
After I highlighted the top lifter, here’s the top speedster: Jacoby Ford of Clemson, who ran the 40 yard dash in 4.28 seconds. That’s smokin’. And, yes, French model Laetitia Casta is smokin’ too. God save the queen. Wait, I mean, “Voulez vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”  Nice.

Laetitia... Hmmm... fuzzy...

(Warning!  Song parody coming up!  See if you can guess what song it is in the next paragraph.  Don’t skip ahead, that’s cheating.)

So there you have it, folks.  My list is as arbitrary and complete as any other mock draft or whatever out there, but mine is much more fun to read.  I have presented to you all the “tight ends” out there, the players who can provide “deep penetration” of enemy territory, the people who enjoy “roughing the passer.”  I could go all day (that’s what she said (ah!  I broke my “only using ‘that’s what she said’ once” promise!  Never again!)) I have poured my derision over everything the draftniks did, exposing every weakness however carefully hidden by the players. (Pause, drum and bass part.  Now in a much louder voice.). But in the web it was well known that when they got home at night their fat and psychopathic (!) wives would thrash them within inches of their lives! (a bunch of people now go, “Ahhhhh, ahhhhHHH, ahhhh,” and then a random eagle screech which, when you think about it, it seems weird, but it’s so cool, and now everyone sings, together now, with British kids to support you)

We don’t need no more mock drafts!
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the draftroom (bown, dan, da, dum, bown, dan da dum)
Draftniks leave them players alone
Hey! Draftniks! Leave them players alone!
All in all it’s just another blog in the wall.
All in all you’re just another blog in the wall.
(Roger Waters, please don’t sue me. Thanks)

* (Please, for the love of Jebus, don’t tell my very pregnant wife that I am writing an article that compares the top players in the NFL draft to hot women of the world. First off, I believe pregnancy is just a euphemism for “insanity” or “justifiable excuse to say and do whatever you want and ask for whatever you want, and, since you feel guilty about refusing to do something for a pregnant woman because it’s your first child, then you do it anyway,” and if she found out about this article my balls will end up somewhere in Siberia. Now, to be fair, she drools over  Edward Cullen and Jacob Wolfman-penis (if you don’t know, you don’t want to know, and if you do know, and you’re married or dating someone, we need to form some sort of “I Hate You Twilight for Stealing my Woman” support group, which I wouldn’t doubt if it already exists. Anyway:), so two can play at this game. Granted, my 32 women may exceed the 2 men she ogles over, but I just have to say one thing: Tough Poop. Men have been geared for centuries to spread their seed far and wide, and what’s wrong with looking at a variety of hot women? Nothing! Exactly!)
Follow David Jacob at http://twitter.com/HoldenCarraway