Consider this blog your Anti-Preview Preview of the NFL Season.

Okay:

By now you’ve probably read at least one of a thousand NFL season previews. And I’d say 99 percent of you out there walked away pissed off because (fill in your team’s name) was not listed as the Super Bowl winner.

I mean, I enjoy previews and rankings and whatnot, but all of these myriad “experts” and their rankings/predictions can be annoying. I feel like I have a love-hate relationship with them. All of these predictions, you know, are pretty pointless, if you ask me. Every year it seems like there’s a new Sexy Team that a butt-load of “experts” choose to win it all or shock the hell out of people. I just remember back in 2005 how the Vikings were the It Team. If you added “SH” to the It Team, it would’ve been dead on. For 2010, the Sexy Team is without a doubt the NY Jets (in more ways than one… Mr. Mark Sachez, you cad, you). Who knows if the Jets will live up to the Top Team with Potential. My money says no, but it is possible for me to be wrong.

And that’s the thing. The NFL is the true Parity League in American sports. Sure you have your Colts and Patriots every year, but every year there will be a surprise.

What I’m trying to say is: NFL Predictions Suck.

All of them amount to just fluff pieces. It’s just an exercise in mental masturbation. Sure, we all enjoy mentally masturbating all over the place about our favorite and hated NFL teams, but sometimes you just get tired and run out of tissues (sorry, I went there, and now it’s written and I can’t go back).

I enjoy Fluff Material a lot. I look forward to Fluff. Along with serious matters, of course. I don’t know many people who would consider the movies There Will Be Blood and Spaceballs in their top ten movie lists of all time.

Anyway, I’m telling you all of this because, as the Head NFL Editor Dude-Man at GUFS, I’m refusing to give you an NFL rankings/preview column. First off, it gets a little boring going from one division to the next and trying to come up with some witty put-down about the potentially bad teams of the NFL (the Browns… *Flush of toilet*…. They… won’t… be going to the Super Bowl? See, I’m just not that inspired). And second, I am an unabashed (and occasionally realistic) Homer of the Cincinnati Bengals, so you will already know who the AFC North Champion, AFC Champion, and the Super Bowl Champion will be (if the Bengals don’t win the Super Bowl this year, there is no God. Or maybe God’s just taking a year off from caring about football. Or maybe God might not have anything to do this at all. I think I might ask a priest or something. Or it’s just not).

So in lieu of a Rock-‘Em-Sock-‘Em Preview to End All Previews for the 2010 NFL Season, I am giving you a Piece that Pretends to Be Nothing But Fluff and Fun. I have written numerous fluff pieces in the past (Hot Women and Mock Drafts; Hot Women and Power Rankings), so please don’t think all I do is write complete Fluff all the time. But remember, if we didn’t have Fluff in life, how’d we go on living? I mean, where would we be without shows like Jersey Shore, Rob and Big, and Other Reality Shows that I Really and Truly Don’t Watch But I Can’t Believe that Sammie Took this Long to “Finally Dump” Ronnie But Then She Turns Around and Starts Kissing Him, Like, Five Minutes After He Totally Acted Like a Douchebag and Called His Hometown Honey, Which is What a Friend Who Watches that One Show Told Me? We’d be lost.

Today’s Fluff, which is brought to you Byyyyy Menn-en (not really), will be an analysis of the NFL Tailgate Fans Who Personally Piss Me Off. And I shall compare them to Random Celebrities. This should be fun:

1) The “Femme Fatale Football Drunk” Fan, as played by Lindsay Lohan:

She's a winner.

These ladies usually fall into the following categories: 1) 90 percent are either genuinely Incredibly Hot, or Six-to-Seven Drinks Hot, which makes very little difference either way. 2) These women know a lot about football, or at least they know enough that they don’t embarrass themselves and say something stupid like, “Man, I wish they would put the referee back 5 yards instead of 15 yards so that our team can play Hurry-Up Offense” (Okay, that’s not dumb, that’s just whiney and pathetic. *Cough* Peyton *Cough*). And 3) They are almost always the drunkest people around. Granted, sometimes this drunkenness causes them to fall into you, and that usually isn’t a bad thing, but then they start to yell. And they yell A LOT. It’ll be second and six, the running back rushes for a yard or two, and the girl will yell, “C’MON, YOU EFFIN [ANOTHER NAME FOR A CAT], THROW THE ‘EFFIN BALL.”

True, maybe they could’ve thrown the ball, but even the most attractive woman in the world can get annoying if they are constantly yelling and screaming.

Annoying? Yes. Less Attractive? Not even slightly so.

2) The “Do You Even Know What a Football Is?” Fan, as played by Paris Hilton:

Paris isn't always that pretty

These women are the skanks who go to football games just to try to score a guy. They’re usually wearing one of those god awful Pink Jerseys (the NFL should not allow those). Every five minutes they’re looking into a mirror and trying to laugh at whatever is being said or done. But really, why would you want to pick up a guy at a football game? 98.9 percent of guys over 17 are going to be piss-drunk, loud, boorish, smelling-like-some-sort-of-combo-of-beer/trash/smoke/shame, and not at all interested in Starting a Relationship, or Talking About Stuff Other Than Football. Really, this is just pathetic. (The girls and maybe the guys too).

3) The “Scary Dude Who Laughs at Everything” Fan, played by Gary Busey:

A face only a mother could love.

You know this Busey character at tailgates: he’s middle aged, looking like he’s been married and bitterly divorced several times, smelling like desperation and cigars, and he has hair that was stolen from the Rejected Dirty Mops Factory. He always finds anything that is of the opposite sex, legal, and has two legs. It’s disgusting, and humanity will never progress as long as these kind of people exist.

I’m just saying.

Gary Busey, by the way, has recently starred in the following stellar films: Dr. Doolitle 3 (?), Homo Erectus (?), and Lady Samurai (?). What the hell?

4) The “I Came From Under the Nearest Rock” Fan, as played by Steven Wright:

Hey... is it January? No, Steven Wright, it's September.

The Gary Busey Fan and Steven Wright Fan are almost indistinguishable by appearance, due to their shabby, unkempt nature. But there is a big difference: Steven Wright is Asexual.

While the Gary Busey’s of the World are loud and lascivious, the Steven Wright Fan is disturbingly quiet and… He’s Just There. Like, out-of-freakin’-nowhere There. Steven Wright Fan doesn’t hit on chicks, he doesn’t talk to people, and he wanders aimlessly from one tailgate tent to another. He’s Just There! Like the Guy on the Couch from Half Baked (I tried to find a sweet picture of him on the Net from Half Baked… no dice). This guy seems pleasant, and if you talk to him he actually is extremely knowledgeable and quite affable, but he’s just FREAKIN’ WEIRD.

5) The “Frank the Tank” Fan, as played by Lou Reed, who’s filling in for Will Farrell.

Lou Reed: Coolest Man Ever?

Frank the Tank… What explanation do I really need? Luckily, the whole “We’re going up to the Quad and (pause) WE’RE GOING STREAKING” doesn’t really happen very often. But the whole, “I’m not here to watch football, I’m here to make Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like Mary Poppins’ Stricter Sister” can be extremely annoying. These guys get Annihilated at the tailgate, and then half of them don’t even make it to the game, half of them pass out in their seats, and the third half just piss themselves (with these guys, three halves somehow make a whole).

Hey, I’m all for recreational imbibing, but I’m also for enjoying a football game without wanting to pass out or puke.

As for Lou Reed, I mentioned him solely for the reason that he put the kibosh on Susan Boyle – the woman who was an internet sensation for singing Les Miserables and who also looks like the result of the Pillsbury Dough Boy having relations with his sister — singing his 1972 song “Perfect Day.” Lou Reed, if you weren’t my hero before, you’re like my Super Hero now. Finally, a musician with integrity. I love you, man.

6) The “What the Hell Are you Doing Here? Really? You?” Fan, as Played by Preppy Boy Ryan Phillipe.

I'm Ryan Phillipe and I'm proud to say that I manscape.

Okay, the previous five fans are culmination of weird poop that I see at random times. I haven’t really seen anyone that truly embodies the mind, body, and spirit of these Pretend Fans from numbers one through five.

But but I’m talking about This Guy.  This Guy, unfortunately, is all too real.

Ryan Phillipe is a poor choice for what This Guy looked like, but I had to choose somebody, and this is what I got. But This Guy… Biggest Douchebag Ever. First off, he was wearing Zero Football Attire. I’m sorry, this is not your Low Single-A Baseball Team Who’s Going Nowhere. This is the Effin’ NFL, with only Eight Regular Season Games… And you spend $70+ on a ticket and you wear… a collared shirt? With a stripe on it? Really?

Oh, and it gets worse.

This guy had a tattoo. Not just any tattoo. It was a tattoo of a… robot. On his forearm. Not like a bad-ass robot. Not a robot that had sweet weapons on it and stuff blowing up around it. Oh no. It was a robot from the mind of a second-grader who rides the short bus. Did I mention this was on his forearm? Like, right there for everyone to see. As if he wasn’t actually ashamed to have this on his body, which is not humanly possible. He also had a tongue ring and gel in his hair.

My question is, Why does this person exist in the world? Out of all the other Random Tailgate Fans I pulled out of my ass, This Guy is a living, breathing, somehow-human guy. Are there other guys out there like him? I’m sure there are. Somewhere out there in California, New York, or some random state, there are guys out there who don’t wear any sort of fan gear at football games… But none can possibly be as douchebag-like as this guy. He takes the cake.

Woo.  I’m done with the Awful Tailgating Fans.  Let’s move on.

The Blitzkrieg (Non-NFL Stuff):

- Movie of the Week: The Town
David Spade, I miss you. Where can I find weekly snarky diatribes against the drivel that Hollywood tries to pander to the masses each week? The Town? Really? Ben Affleck starring in a movie based in Boston with his Bah-stun accent. I might have liked this movie… when it was called Gone Baby Gone. Sure, the plot might be different, but in movies like these, it just doesn’t matter. The suckitude of each binds them together.

- Faux Music Video of the Week:
Since I mentioned Lou Reed earlier, I had to find something to show of his… Well, I honestly couldn’t find anything all that great, and I really wanted to play a version of “Sweet Jane.” I couldn’t find a good, short version of “Sweet Jane” live. Hell, the best that I found didn’t even have an actual video. It’s just the song. It’s awesome anyway. Enjoy.

- Incredibly Hot Woman of the Week:
Thank you, Rosie Jones, for making my life rosie.

I'm sure Rosie is a huge... um... what was I saying?

You can suggest your own Incredibly Hot Woman of the Week, or any other suggestions, questions, complaints to David Jacob at djacob@gearupforsports.com. You can also join his facebook group, and/or follow him at http://twitter.com/HoldenCarraway.